Is your marriage on the rocks due to your or your partner's enmeshment with a narcissistic parent?

 Disclaimer: This post is not to shame parents/in laws -Parents are our role models and our first love and for those of us with good set of emotionally mature parents- We are blessed ! Yes even the best of parents would also have made their share of parenting mistakes which is absolutely fine. We are all human and mistakes are bound to happen.  But there are also generations of toxic parents out there who need to be called out for their bad behaviour , else the generational trauma and dysfunction may never really stop. My post is made for this purpose so that there is more awareness about this trend of toxic parents who destroy their kids' lives and relationships using guilt tripping and emotional manipulation.

 With more awareness , this toxic cycle can be broken and more marriages can be saved before it is too late ! 

Sadly some of the divorces happen because one of the spouses have an enmeshed relationship with a parent who is toxic or has made the child a carbon copy of them  . Apart from toxic parents/in laws, the other reasons normally for divorces are infidelity, mental health issues, growing apart, repeated conflicts and emotional/physical abuse. Just shifting blame to someone else, won't save your marriage but if you are going through a rough patch and are trying to make sense of what is really happening, I hope this information will help you to get some clarity. 

Today we will deep dive into one of the reasons for divorces- which is enmeshment or over involvement of a parent or in law in the couple's lives. A couple cannot have a happy marriage unless they cleave to each other and only each other. If a partner has to play the role of a spouse to his or her own partner and also a surrogate partner to their own parent, it will cause a lot of rage in them even without them realizing why they are angry ! The cycle of conflict and patching up will continue indefinitely till clear boundaries are not set. Many times people don't leave abusive marriages because they didn't even realize it was abuse they endured.. They keep going around in circles trying to figure out the crazy behaviour and trying to change their toxic partners or parents/in laws with the hope that they can all live together peacefully. 

Society plays a huge role in normalizing emotional abuse and that makes the victims of narcissistic abuse struggle to get out or even get help. There is a lot of shame and gaslighting involved in this process which makes the victims self doubt and get stuck in patterns of overthinking but never taking any conclusive action. Statements like "they are your parents or in laws and you have to respect them no matter what" leaves most couples feeling helpless as they watch their marriage being ripped apart in front of their own eyes by overly controlling or interfering parents/in laws. 

 I have been coaching survivors of narcissistic abuse and also working on my upcoming book-The long journey home for which I have been actively reaching out to abuse survivors to understand their red flags and how they got out or are coping with it. Through these interactions I have gathered sufficient trends and data pointing out to predictable patterns. I have summarized few of the traits of toxic parents/in laws /relationships below.

Is someone born toxic?

Not at all. We are all pure souls when we come into existence but over a period of time depending on our circumstances and childhood experiences, we may start forming an identity and ego based behaviours and beliefs that may make us toxic to those around us. A toxic parent may have had a dysfunctional childhood themselves where either they were the centre of their parents' world (become entitled adults) or they were emotionally neglected or physically abused by their parents (become people pleasers or co-dependent on their parents). They may have unhappy marriages themselves because of failed communication ,entitled behaviour or abuse. Due to this vacuum created by a chronically unhappy and dead marriage, they then begin to enmesh with their young children either by: 

1. Parentification : Treating their child like an adult and sharing age inappropriate information with them. They may overshare about their life issues and expect their kids to be their therapists. The child may end up being the surrogate emotional partner for their toxic parent. They may expect their older child to take full care of their younger child like a parent. They may shame the child for expressing their emotions. This hurts the child's self esteem and they grow up without feeling a sense of safety and are totally out of touch with their own emotions. Such kids grow up like a emotional partner for their parent and they struggle to form close relationships as adults with others as their emotional energies are already exhausted meeting their parent's emotional needs. Toxic parents are also known to triangulate their own kids, thereby creating terrible sibling rivalry amongst the kids as they are constantly fighting with each other to earn their toxic parent's love and attention. A toxic parent can even pretend to be a victim and turn their own kids against their partner. It is all a game of manipulation and ego and sadly the innocent kids become the pawns in the toxic game. 

2. Infantilization: Parents may treat their kids as mini me versions and not allow them to express their individuality. Whenever the child tries to express their independent thoughts, it would be shot down and shamed and the child would grow up with a lot of self doubt and guilt to build a life of their own even after becoming an adult. The kids would have so much self doubt that as adults they would be unable to take even simple decisions without asking others' opinions. The kids would not be allowed to do anything and basic life skills won't be taught to them, making them dependent upon their parents even as adults . Such kids would grow up to the Daddy's special princess or The Mumma's boys who struggle to prioritize their own life partners because they feel guilty to side line their toxic parent. Such kids would also expect their partners to treat them like a kid and take care of all their needs for them. This would eventually take a toll on the relationship as marriage is a partnership of equals and not a parent/child equation. 

What are the patterns and examples ?

Toxic parents teach their children that money and external appearances are more important than cultivating their inner world and mental peace. The adult children of toxic parents grow up to be anxious individuals who are always chasing materialistic success and are unable to form close partnerships or relationships with others. Their sense of self worth is attached to their accomplishments and they always fear that they won't be valued or loved if they don't achieve their parent's version of success.  Without understanding what is real unconditional love, how can these kids grow up and suddenly become very lovable towards others? They may either repeat the same toxic , manipulative, entitled, abusive behaviour as adults or they may become complete doormats or people pleasers who struggle to assert their boundaries. 

Once the children grow up and get married, toxic parents would continue to interfere in their lives in the pretext of helping them to make better decisions but under all the pretence is only a sense of control that the toxic parent would not want to let go off. The meddling would cross all boundaries for the couple and yet the toxic parent would not agree to back off even when asked to back off. They would get more defensive for being called out on their bad behaviour and would continue to stir issues for the couple.  This repeated crossing of boundaries does not happen by accident and is done intentionally at times. You may find toxic parents or in laws justifying their words or actions as innocent actions but if you find a clear repetitive pattern of manipulation, it is a red flag that a firm boundary is required there.

You may find this toxic in law sitting in your living room all day without really helping you out with the chores or your own kids but when their adult child returns home, they may suddenly be seen being hands on around tasks in the house or worse they may comment about your house keeping or parenting skills in a demeaning way, putting you on a war path with your partner constantly. 

They may or may not be living together with you but you may notice that your fights with your partner go up ten notches after an interaction or exposure to the toxic parent. You may notice that your partner just absorbs his or her parent's moods like a sponge and struggles to maintain a boundary with them. The focus of every conversation would be around the toxic parent's struggles and your partner would be busy putting out their parent's fires and issues at all times leaving you both with little or no quality time together. 

Such parent or in laws may come over unannounced or even demand to join you on your movie or dinner date plans and they may feel entitled to be invited to your outings every time. You may notice that your partner is harbouring a lot of guilt for not being able to take their parent along with you on dates ! 

Such parents or in laws may be sitting in your living room and giving you instructions on how you must decorate your room as per their taste and that your taste is not good enough. 

These are just a few of the examples of real issues faced by my clients and though each incident when seen separately may not seem like a big deal, when they pile up together over the months or years, it would be big enough to cause serious issues in your marriage,

What happens next?

If you are a hardcore empath or a people pleaser, these seemingly harmless statements may just fly past your radar until something more serious brews. What starts off as minor irritants may suddenly blow up one day as the tension and resentment builds up over the years and you get overwhelmed being nice to them and constantly meeting their needs. You may have a family of your own and your own issues to worry about but your partner's bandwidth for emotional support would be drained out meeting their toxic parent's never ending demands and needs.  

Your attachment styles and inner child wounds play a significant role in our adult relationships. To explore and discover that you have to get started with the process of therapy or coaching.

When you go for 1 or 2 sessions of couple's therapy usually the focus is on communication skills and other topics which touch only the tip of the iceberg. Usually it takes months or years in therapy to get to the root cause of issues and we all know most of our issues stem from our own childhood. So very few people actually realize the importance of staying consistent with a mental health therapist or coach who understands your complete history and helps you to identify the root cause of your recurring issues in your marriage. 

If the root cause is your own toxic , manipulative, controlling parent or in law- what can you do next? Especially in South Asian cultures where there is a lot of importance given to families and respecting your parents/elders- You can't just cut off your ties with family members even when you know they are clearly toxic. But what you can do is set healthy boundaries and reduce your interactions with the toxic family members to a large extent. Yes the toxic parent will surely guilt trip and further try to manipulate you if you attempt to set any boundaries. But if you and your spouse can work things out like one unit and show a united front, no force can separate you both. However such boundary communications must be done only by the adult child of the toxic parent and not the son in law or daughter in law else things may get more complicated.

However if your partner fails to acknowledge the role played by their toxic parent, then you have two choices in front of you:

CHOICE 1. Continue to be the narcissistic supply for your toxic in laws and ignore all their manipulations for the -sake of your marriage. Accept that you will never be a priority for your partner.

CHOICE 2. Plan your exit /separation and contact a good divorce lawyer who has sufficient experience dealing with high conflict divorces because if your own partner shows narcissistic traits, it is going to be one tough battle ahead of you. Prepare for the battle of your lifetime !

Should you stay in an emotionally abusive, neglectful marriage for the sake of your kids? 

Research has shown that your kids will fare much better with their parents being divorced rather being forced to live in a toxic environment which resembles a war field. Imagine the stress and trauma the young minds have to tolerate and cope with. 

If you want to save your kids from becoming toxic adults, take action today! Break the cycle of abuse - the world will heal and thank you for your courage.

Educate yourself about narcissistic abuse - lot of youtube videos and content is readily available online for this. Dr Ramani is an internationally known psychologist and expert on narcissistic abuse and her book "Should I stay or Should I Go" will surely give you a lot of answers to the innumerable questions on your mind. Don't let a toxic in law mess with your marriage !

I would suggest that you should also get in touch immediately with a trauma informed therapist/coach who is well aware of narcissistic abuse and who can handhold you through your healing journey.

 Begin your healing journey today and don't delay further as waiting only makes your choices more complicated.  

Hope you found this information useful. You may get in touch with me on ramya.shripathi@gmail.com or  WhatsApp to +91-9916106962 to know more about this topic or for coaching sessions on how to heal post narcissistic abuse. I run individual and group coaching sessions and help with setting healthy boundaries, tackle co-dependency. Im an ICF approved life coach specializing in narcissistic abuse and mindset coaching and based out of India. 

Ramya 

Founder of activate.you Life Coaching

https://linktr.ee/activate.you.coachRamya